I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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