My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
