last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
