ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
