am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
