You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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