Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
zippers are such a cool invention
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
