Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
