I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
