i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Randomize
