mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
