matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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