oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
