Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
