I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
