I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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