I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
