I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
