I just made out with a guy for $7.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
