I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
