i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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