Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
