I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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