You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
