You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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