In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
