i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
My ATM looks so different sober.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
