I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just cropdusted the office
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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