I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
