when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
