life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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