Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
