my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
