i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
