Got a toothbrush?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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