Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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