i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
