when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
