While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
