i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Randomize
