the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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