I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
