We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Randomize
