last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize
