I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Semen is not good for contacts.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
