My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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