Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
