hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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