My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
