Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Randomize
