Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
